The Size of Money (Part 2)

Trillions of dollars aside, think of the mere lowly million – a pile of cash you could carry in a grocery bag. How would having a million dollars change your life? Would you, as the Barenaked Ladies suggest, start buying fancy Dijon ketchup? Perhaps not – but you might take them up on another of their suggestions – buying a new car.

Which brings us to the following ditty making the rounds on the web: A letter from a reader of the St. Petersburg Times responding to the newspaper’s solicitation of ideas for “How Would You Fix the Economy?”

“There's about 40 million people over 50 in the work force - pay them $1 million apiece severance with stipulations.
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.
Like I have been saying, they are bailing out the wrong people.”

At first blush, it’s seems so reasonable – even though it’s pretty obvious that the writer is over 50. But if you do the math, you find out that 40 million million is 400 trillion. So we’re back to the “t” word again.

Let’s just stick with the Barenaked Ladies and fantasize. Enjoy their lyrics:

“If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
I'd buy you a house
(I would buy you a house)
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
I'd buy you furniture for your house
(Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a K-Car
(A nice Reliant automobile)
If I had a million dollars
I'd buy your love

If I had a million dollars
I'd build a tree fort in our yard
If I had million dollars
You could help, it wouldn't be that hard
If I had million dollars
Maybe we could put like a little tiny fridge in there somewhere
You know, we could just go up there and hang out
Like open the fridge and stuff
There would already be laid out foods for us
Like little pre-wrapped sausages and things
They have pre-wrapped sausages but they don't have pre-wrapped bacon
Well, can you blame 'em
Uh, yeah

If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a fur coat
(But not a real fur coat that's cruel)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you an exotic pet
(Yep, like a llama or an emu)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you John Merrick's remains
(Ooh, all them crazy elephant bones)
And If I had a million dollars
I'd buy your love

If I had a million dollars
We wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I had a million dollars
Now, we'd take a limousine 'cause it costs more
If I had a million dollars
We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner
But we would eat Kraft Dinner
Of course we would, we’d just eat more
And buy really expensive ketchups with it
That’s right, all the fanciest ke... Dijon ketchups!
Mmmmmm, Mmmm-Hmmm

If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a green dress
(But not a real green dress, that's cruel)
And if I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you some art
(A Picasso or a Garfunkel)
If I had a million dollars
(If I had a million dollars)
Well, I'd buy you a monkey
(Haven't you always wanted a monkey?)
If I had a million dollars
I’d buy your love

If I had a million dollars, If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars, If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd be rich”

The Size of Money (Part 1)

Now that we got this here depression on, a lot of us are spending more time thinking about money than spending time spending it like we used to. And thinking about money can be scary. Here, in Part 1 of our series about the size of money, let us examine (courtesy of www.pagetutor.com) just how many bills it takes to make a trillion dollars.

All this talk about "stimulus packages" and "bailouts"...

A billion dollars...

A hundred billion dollars...

Eight hundred billion dollars...

One TRILLION dollars...

What does that look like? I mean, these various numbers are tossed around like so many doggie treats, so I thought I'd take Google Sketchup out for a test drive and try to get a sense of what exactly a trillion dollars looks like.

We'll start with a $100 dollar bill. Currently the largest U.S. denomination in general circulation. Most everyone has seen them, slighty fewer have owned them. Guaranteed to make friends wherever they go.





A packet of one hundred $100 bills is less than 1/2" thick and contains $10,000. Fits in your pocket easily and is more than enough for week or two of shamefully decadent fun.





Believe it or not, this next little pile is $1 million dollars (100 packets of $10,000). You could stuff that into a grocery bag and walk around with it.





While a measly $1 million looked a little unimpressive, $100 million is a little more respectable. It fits neatly on a standard pallet...





And $1 BILLION dollars... now we're really getting somewhere...





Next we'll look at ONE TRILLION dollars. This is that number we've been hearing so much about. What is a trillion dollars? Well, it's a million million. It's a thousand billion. It's a one followed by 12 zeros. You ready for this?

It's pretty surprising.

Go ahead...

Scroll down...



Ladies and gentlemen... I give you $1 trillion dollars...




(And notice those pallets are double stacked.)

So the next time you hear someone toss around the phrase "trillion dollars"... that's what they're talking about.

Apocalypse Now

Every literary child of the Cold War must have read “On the Beach” – Nevil Shute’s ripping good 1957 novel about what the world would look like after the northern hemisphere was devastated in a nuclear conflagration and residents of the southern hemisphere waited stoically for the fallout to come along and kill them. (Instead of Rosebud, think Coke bottle for that “Aha!” climactic moment. But enough hinting at a spoiler…)

So what does a post 9-11 post-apocalyptic novel look like? There are two good examples making the rounds right now: “One Second After” by William R. Forstchen and “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy. Both are worth reading – but for very different reasons.

Forstchen’s book is truly an updated take on nuclear devastation. Instead of radioactive fallout – the greatest fear of every old Cold Warrior – “One Second After” deals with the possibility of a rogue state’s “asymmetrical warfare” unleashing an “electromagnetic pulse.” No fallout, but three well-placed nukes launched from a cargo ship detonate at high altitude and fry every computer chip in America.

The story-telling in “One Second After” is a bit contrived. (Do we really need the hero noticing the tightness of a nurse’s blouse?) And the prose dances a bit too close to the partisan. (Do we really need a foreword authored by Newt Gingrich?) But the scenario played out by the author is fascinating. It forces the reader to consider just how tenuous our modern society’s very existence is. Our dependence on modern medicine and supermarkets that teeter on just-in-time supply chains will shock you. Readers will come away feeling vulnerable.

“The Road,” on the other hand, is fine literature. It is the story of a man and his son walking through an ash-covered post-apocalyptic terrain. The author makes no attempt to describe how it happened or even exactly when. It’s a story of love, faith, persistence, hardship, and occasionally unspeakable horror. And it’s written by Cormac McCarthy, who can describe desolation with eloquence unmatched by any other author living or dead. Readers will come away feeling… well, like they’ve read a great book.

All of this thinking about what happens after The Big One gets dropped can’t help but stimulate the human planning instinct. How should a person prepare?

Stash money in the house? Smart. To a degree. Cash will be very valuable in any emergency where the cavalry can be expected to ride in within a week or two. (Of course, it becomes worthless once the looting starts and the economy breaks down.)

Store food? Also smart. To a degree. But if you get too much, the people with guns will probably just come take it away. And if you have to move, you can’t take more than will fit in a shopping cart anyway. (Shopping carts, apparently, being the most durable vehicles in any new New World Order.)

Be the people with guns? Possibly also smart, but a zero sum game. You’d have to be willing to use the guns against real people and good enough at it to win all the time. And eventually you’ll run out of bullets. (All those people who rushed to buy ammo after Obama was elected already found that out.)

The best apparent strategy: Stockpile cigarettes. They’re light and universally desirable as barter.

You’ll be the most popular fellow around when the Fourth World War, as Einstein predicted, gets fought with sticks.

A Steven Wright Kind of Moment

I saw this box in the lobby of the public library. I tried to take one, but I couldn’t find any.

Who is John Minderbinder?

In the wake of industry bailouts – er, “economic stimulus” actions – and resurgent proposals for soaking the rich – er, “restoring fairness in the tax code“ – comes a new cottage industry: selling copies of “Atlas Shrugged.”

Ayn Rand’s 1957 paean to “objectivism” is suddenly in vogue again. “The Wall Street Journal” is making space for op-eds by the president of the Ayn Rand Institute. Conservative pundits and assorted free marketeers are regularly invoking her ghost on the cable news shows. “The Economist” reports that sales of the book have rocketed to all-time highs.

It’s not a bad thing. In fact, “Atlas Shrugged” should be required reading for all knowledgeable Americans. But only if they are required to read another very thick book at the same time: “Catch 22,” by Joseph Heller.

“Atlas Shrugged” opens with the famous, if obscure, line: “Who is John Galt?” It turns out that John is a brilliant man who has utterly removed himself from society because productive “men of the mind” are inevitably taken advantage of by unproductive “parasites,” “looters,” and “moochers” who use laws and guilt to leech from the value the productive people create. A whole bunch of other men of the mind join him on strike and the world begins to disintegrate as their influence is lost.

“Catch 22” is a different kind of story. Set in World War II Italy, it follows the exploits of an American bombardier named Yossarian who wants to go home because he is convinced that people want to do him harm. (The German Army, to begin with.) But the really interesting character for this analysis is Milo Minderbinder. Milo is a mess officer who becomes obsessed with expanding the buying and selling of goods, which he builds into a “syndicate” in which “everyone has a share.”

Ayn Rand’s objectivism holds that allowing humans to pursue self-interest unfettered will benefit society at large by creating value and stimulating opportunity. Joseph Heller’s minderbinderism holds that human self-interest is largely inclined toward doing what will generate the greatest profit for the least effort – an activity that often involves deception and false value.

One might be tempted to reconcile these contradictory views by explaining Ayn Rand as an anachronism. She wrote during the height of America’s industrial powers. The productive business people portrayed in “Atlas Shrugged” all made things. They invented and manufactured. They didn’t leverage and outsource. (There do not appear to be brokers or investment bankers in Galt’s Gulch.) Could it be that “Atlas Shrugged” is just a figment of a generation?

But Joseph Heller is no acute observer of current events. “Catch 22” was published in 1961 – contemporary with Ms. Rand and long before Wall Street’s current brand of barbarians reached the gate. Regardless, read this partial description of one of the activities of Milo Minderbinder’s “M&M Enterprises” syndicate:

“Milo chortled proudly. ‘I don't buy eggs from Malta,’ he confessed... ‘I buy them in Sicily at one cent apiece and transfer them to Malta secretly at four and a half cents apiece in order to get the price of eggs up to seven cents when people come to Malta looking for them.’ ... ‘Then you do make a profit for yourself,’ Yossarian declared. ‘Of course I do. But it all goes to the syndicate. And everybody has a share. Don't you understand? It's exactly what happens with those plum tomatoes I sell to Colonel Cathcart.’ ‘Buy,’ Yossarian corrected him. ‘You don't sell plum tomatoes to Colonel Cathcart and Colonel Korn. You buy plum tomatoes from them.’ ‘No, sell,’ Milo corrected Yossarian. ‘I distribute my plum tomatoes in markets all over Pianosa under an assumed name so that Colonel Cathcart and Colonel Korn can buy them up from me under their assumed names at four cents apiece and sell them back to me the next day at five cents apiece. They make a profit of one cent apiece, I make a profit of three and a half cents apiece, and everybody comes out ahead.’”

Does that sound like Collateralized Debt Obligations to anyone else?

Oh, and don’t forget Milo’s motto: “What’s good for M&M Enterprises is good for the country.” (And his remonstration to any pushback that if you’re not for us, you’re against us.)

For a couple of generations now, many of America’s best and brightest have been marching off to Ivy League schools not to prepare to invent and manufacture things like John Galt did, but to prepare for careers that more closely resemble Milo Minderbinder’s. The helms of farms and factories are increasingly staffed by B and C students while the A students invent and manufacture the exotic financial instruments that, by many accounts, have brought us to the brink of economic ruin. Why? Because out of self-interest, the A students could make more money that way.

In a pivotal “Catch 22” scene, Yossarian wanders the streets of war-time Rome seeking to save a young girl from unspeakable hardship. Milo Minderbinder, who by virtue of his power and connections has more ability to accomplish this than anyone, has just abandoned Yossarian to pursue the latest profit-making opportunity that has presented itself. Yossarian is left alone to contemplate the subjects of poverty and inequality “in a world that never yet had provided enough heat and food and justice for all but an ingenious and unscrupulous handful.”

Readers interested in contemplating these important subjects for themselves should take some of the stimulus money that trickles down to them and contribute to the estates of not one, but two dead authors: Ayn Rand AND Joseph Heller. Just be prepared: “Catch 22” is a whole lot more entertaining.

And, unfortunately, a whole lot closer to The Truth.

Chafftez and Polis – My Personal Yin and Yang

(Rep. Chaffetz (left wing - ha ha!) and Polis (right wing - bwaaaa-haaa-haaa!!!)


Certainly the smart folks at CNN knew what they were doing when they chose two by-every-label polar opposite new Congressmen to feature in their “Freshman Year” series. They had no way of knowing they had selected the very yin and yang of my personal political existence.

Rep. Jason Chaffetz, conservative Republican of Utah’s 3rd District – ranked the most Republican Congressional district in America by the Cook Partisan Voting Index. Until recently, I lived within an NRA rifle shot of this district since its 1983 inception.

Rep. Jared Polis, liberal Democrat of Colorado’s 2nd District – the first openly gay male elected to the House as a freshman and a resident of the semi-autonomous People’s Republic of Boulder. Recently, I moved to this district. (Not to Boulder itself, mind you – I can’t afford that – but just over the border and down the well-maintained public open space jogging trail from it.)

In the less than three months they’ve had in office, I’ve been fortunate to strike up what could pass for a constituent relationship with each. Here are some observations:

Congressman Chaffetz: Actually got me two tickets to the inauguration! (My strategy for obtaining tickets was to write to every Congressman and Senator I had ever given a campaign donation, including Chaffetz’s predecessor. Each of them summarily snubbed me – so much for the influence wielded by political contributors. Then Rep. Chaffetz came through – even though I have never contributed a dime to him. Perhaps his predecessor left him a list. Perhaps I won a random drawing. I don’t want to know inasmuch as it is more fun to chalk it up to fate.)

Anyhoo, when we got to Washington, Rep. Chaffetz was delivering his tickets personally by coming outside the Longworth House Office Building into sub-freezing weather to spare his ticket recipients the hours-long security lines. He was already becoming a media darling for sleeping on a cot in his office and leg wrestling Stephen Colbert. Several weeks later, I attended a House subcommittee hearing on an issue important to a client and saw Rep. Chaffetz stay for the entire hearing. (Unheard of if you’re not the chairman.) He also worked the room, meeting every other Congressman, every witness, and even remembering who I was. The next week, I got a thank you note for sharing my views. This guy is the Energizer Bunny of Congress.

Congressman Polis: Won my vote in November for his sensible positions on education and his real world personal business experience. He also talks about “transpartisan politics and integral thought” and makes his staffers do yoga and eat vegan meals when they’re on retreat in Boulder. I like making up words, too, and getting people outside their comfort zones is almost always a good thing. And I experienced an actual pride moment when I was on hand for Rep. Polis’s introduction at the Out for Equality inaugural ball and I was able to say, “I voted for him.” (For a more colorful account of how I wound up there to say it, see the January 21, 2009, post on this blog.)

Yin and yang. I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. When I lived in Utah, I was probably more liberal than average. Living in this particular part of Colorado, I’m probably more conservative than average. I disagree strongly with positions taken by both Congressmen Chaffetz and Polis. I respect both Congressmen greatly for the enthusiasm and dedication they are bringing to their new jobs. I hope they can keep it up.

And I hope they realize: There’s a lot of people out here just like me.

P.S. You can see the CNN Freshman Year feature here: http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2009/freshman.year/index.html It’s kind of fun and includes both written diaries from the Congressmen and some interesting video outtakes from the cameras CNN apparently has given them to carry around. Watch the video and you can see Rep. Chaffetz get his butt kicked for the FOURTH time leg wrestling Stephen Colbert and Rep. Polis obsess about blisters because he has to wear dress shoes all day now instead of the Crocs or Birkenstocks or whatever hideous footwear is mandatory in Boulder. Previous leg wrestling butt kick episodes can be found here: http://www.colbertnation.com/video?keywords=Chaffetz+leg+wrestling

Poetry from Old Ebbitt Grill

The guy behind me
Has said
"Sub-optimal"
Three times now
In three minutes
Or less
My G-d!
I fear
I am behind the cliche curve
Once again
I just got used to
Diving deep
And
Applying granularity
To my data
Tomorrow I shall tell
Of sub-optimality
And revel
In the irrelevant relevance
Of Today

New Cabinet Position Recommended

Memo to President Obama
Re: New Cabinet Position

Dear Mr. President,

Before you give your first address to a joint session of Congress tomorrow, may I recommend an action that could solve many of America’s problems today.

I recommend creation of a new federal department and appointment of a Secretary of Penance. This agency could establish enforceable standards for determining when groups and individuals have paid the price sufficiently to atone for real or imagined past offenses against other groups and individuals. This approach would provide a centralized resource for determining:

1. How long classes of people entering the United States seeking opportunity must suffer hardship before entering mainstream society and economic life. (This would ensure equity with previous generational waves of immigrant hardship. Standards may differentiate between legal and illegal immigrants. We may also wish to consider different standards for classes of immigrants who insist on continuing to talk, dress or smell funny.)

2. The size of unpaid tax bills or duration of undocumented nanny service acceptable for people entering government-paid service. (Once again, a sliding scale based on the importance of the position will likely be necessary. This will be a high priority function of the new Penance Department inasmuch as the conservative Institute for American Truth and Righteousness now estimates that 8 out of 10 Americans will be employed by the government by 2012.)

3. The length of time Americans are allowed to loathe specific professions. (Wall Street brokers and bankers are a current high priority for standards development. Mortgage brokers, IRS employees and TSA screening agents should also be addressed soon. Because this is a Democratic Congress and administration, however, class action lawyers and labor union bosses will be exempted from loathing.)

4. The length of time Americans are allowed to loathe specific technologies. (Fossil fuels are up here first, although development of the regulations may be slowed by regional power shortages. Attention should also be given to the proliferation of television remote controls, those Ziploc plastic bags where the zippers are hard to work, and "child proof" prescription bottles. Andy Rooney would be an ideal undersecretary for this Division of the Department.)

5. Steps necessary for celebrities to take after being charged with a crime. (This will likely be the most complex matrix to be developed by the new Department. Allowances must be made for both the type of crime -- substance abuse, prostitution, physical violence, indecent exposure, racist comments, etc. -- and the type of criminal -- for instance, is he or she really, really hot?)

Congress and the news media will resist this change, of course. Congress will see it as an infringement on its Constitutional duty to vent hypocritical outrage every day Congress is in session. (That's 32 days a year, according to the liberal Council of Whiners Wanting More Laws.) And the news media will fear having nothing left to print other than Climate Change induced weather and mass killings by deranged National Rifle Association members. This opposition will be overcome, however, when all parties realize the economic stimulus benefits of creating 123,000 new government jobs that journalists are ideally qualified to fill after their newspapers all go out of business.

America's Inauguration (Part 1 of 6)

Only three times did the much feared violence from overcrowding appear ready to burst forth.

First was the crazy looking white guy. Ensconced in the front row at the Bohemian Caverns and jealously protecting the empty seat to his right, only two possibilities existed. Either he was a delegate from an obscure white supremacist group hell-bent on making a statement at a landmark of American black culture (invisible six-foot-tall white rabbit at his side) or he was the victim of a cruel Craigslist joke. (“I know. Let’s send him up to U Street and make him listen to some withering acid jazz while I don’t show up.”)

Second was only a few hours later – 3:55 a.m. down the street at Ben’s Chili Bowl. The alcohol-fueled hour-long wait for an overcooked chili half-smoke and plate of cheese fries fueled the tension. Note to restaurant owners everywhere: Locking the front door doesn’t just keep people out; it keeps people IN.

Finally, the Surge of the Silver Ticket Holders. A gate was opened or a fence was beaten down. Who could tell? And after hours of creeping forward in sub-freezing temperatures, the masses stampeded into the empty space at the foot of the Capitol’s reflecting pool just moments before He mounted the distant pedestal.

He – who they all came to see.

He – who they all came to hear.

He – who represented the fulfillment of dreams for so many present.

He – whose name was repeatedly, reverently, rhythmically chanted by gatherings of acolytes and admirers, taxi drivers and T-shirt sellers:

O – Ba – Ma!